1. February sues January and March for equal calendar space. Citing leap year as "a quadrennial patronizing monthist ploy to keep me from spotlighting the grave injustice perpetrated on me", February's action becomes the basis for a class action suit on behalf of April, June, September and November. After consultations with Tiger Woods, President Obama appoints Miss February as Calendar Czarina and declares February "February Month". Time and Newsweek select February as "Month of the Year" and the Nobel Committee awards February the 2010 Peace Prize. Congress in a joint bill that passes strictly along party lines reassigns days of the year on a "more equitable basis" with all months having 30 days with the exception of February who has "equal distribution of days with all months plus one day of reparation". The new year of 361 days requires elimination of Christmas and Easter as being "inconsistent with the founders' intention of separation of church and state" and Columbus Day and Thanksgiving as "inappropriate glamorization of caucasian imperial domination of indigenous people".
2. Levi Johnston throws his hat in the ring in a bid for Wasilla Town Council. NBC and CNN contribute free national ad time to his campaign, WaPost and NYT endorse his run as "a popular and much-needed rebuke of Sarah Palin and her failed Alaska policies" and Pelosi, Reid, Letterman and Fey all make campaign fund raiser appearances. In a last minute surprise reversal of his political commitment, Mr. Johnston announces his withdrawal from the election "to pursue my dream of becoming an adult film actor". Ten days later, Larry Flynt Productions announces release of "Levi's Johnson." The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences establishes an adult film category and Mr. Johnston and his film sweep the category with three Oscars.
3. Rahm Emanuel fires the entire White House Secret Service staff and replaces them with TSA Screeners from Chicago OHare following yet another White House Protocol slip up where a striped-shirted, bespectacled gent in a knit cap identifying himself only as "Waldo" seated himself without placecard between Bahbah Streisand and Bahbah Walters during a White House fundraising dinner for Levi Johnston. Despite long lines for scheduled tours due to interrogations and strip searches of infants in strollers and elderly people with walkers, a tall, bearded, white-robed, man of Arab origin is able to draft on an Iranian Dominos deliveryman who was waved through and gains access to the Oval Office wearing C-4 plastique undergarments. Fortunately, "the system worked" when, due to a raging case of sand lice, the would-be terrorist's vigorous scratching dislodged the blasting cap, rendering the skivvies of mass destruction inert.
4. All the bridges to and from the Nation's Capital collapse despite having been declared "shovel ready" in 2009.
5. A massive 7.9 earthquake with its epicenter directly beneath the H O L L Y W O O D sign causes the entire community of Hollywood, along with its residents, to break free of the continent and, after a brief period at the mercy of the sea, sinks to the permanent darkness of the deep, killing the entire population of this center of American film and television.
6. Following a massive 7.9 earthquake in southwestern California in which no lives of importance were lost, millions of fish and endangered marine mammals wash ashore along the coast. Marine biologists discover extraordinarily high levels of cocaine in the ensuing necropsies.
7. Despite widespread scientific endorsement of the technical viability of a new "green" power source, pioneer developers are unable to secure investors. Engineers at Founders Power, Incorporated, of Charlottesville, VA who developed and patented the "tomb turbines" (or, their trademarked name, ToTus) stated that although numerous investors had approached them with offers of more than sufficient investments to tap this revolutionary power source, none were willing to commit until the November 2010 elections, citing concerns that the American electorate might possibly come to its senses and vote a GoP majority into both houses of Congress. If that were to happen, the ToTus, which extract power through electromagnets strapped to the buried remains of our nation's founders, would lose their motive force when our founders stop spinning in their graves.
8. Charlie Sheen will refuse to appear on The View.
9. Tiger Woods will take out a restraining order on Bill Clinton on the grounds that his continuous requests to "hook a brother up" amount to harassment.
10. The United States of America will continue its inexplicable descent toward collapse with the regressive policies of "progressive" politicians.
IT’S COME TO THIS: School bans cartwheels….
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