Tar Heels Head South to Lick the Cocks!

Buckle your seat belts sports fans, it’s time once again for college football! A time when amateur athletes can come together on the gridiron in the spirit of good will and clean, wholesome competition for no other reward than presenting themselves as good role models for America’s youth and the pride in representing their respective institutions of higher education. Yes friends, it’s a wonderful time of year for all real Americans.

And to kick off the season we have two outstanding teams with a long history of cheating and thuggery (which is in no way representative of college football in general): The University of South Carolina Gamecocks versus the University of North Carolina (at Chapel Hill) Tar Heels. Yes fans it’s Carolina vs. Carolina in a North-South battle that promises to be as entertaining as anything you might see on HGTV.

First let’s take a look at UNC. Coach Larry Fedora is coming off a first year campaign with a not too shabby 8-4 record, but unfortunately for his overwhelmingly LGBT fanbase he loses two starting wide receivers, a star running back and half his offensive line. And considering that the Tar Heel offense is what saved their baby blue asses last year, well they could be in a spot of bother. Defensively they return most of their secondary (the good news) but that secondary gave up close to 250 yards a game through the air in ‘12 (the bad news) which I’m sure had something to do with their opponents averaging about 30 points a game. So in keeping with Tar Heel tradition, and in spite of a few mercenary hold-overs from the Butch Davis era (most were lost due to marijuana convictions, DWIs, beating shit outta their girlfriends, institution-wide academic cheating and fraud etc., incidentally almost none to graduation!) the Heels should pretty much suck this year. What that means for other ACC teams is they’ll most likely finish third or fourth in the league behind FSU and Clemson...because everybody else sucks worse.

Now, on to the Gamecocks. As you may know I get a little crazy when the other Carolina is brought up. I remember as a mere four month old in 1970 when they left the ACC and the bitterness and anguish still apparent today. USC (that’s right, I said USC!) is an ACC school and no amount of SEC or Pitt or Syracuse or Boston College pretenders can change that! You are what you are and I view South Carolina’s absence from our league as another sign of the END TIMES spoken of in Revelations. As I’ve said before, they’re a bunch of beligerent assholes but they’re OUR beligerent assholes!

WOW...I feel much better now…let’s get back to football. The Cocks may have indeed arrived and be legitimate national contenders. They finished 11-2 for two years running in a conference that has produced every National Champion since Agincourt (it seems). They do have a few holes to fill from last year (they lost all their linebackers and running back Marcus Lattimore) but good teams just re-load and this ain’t Spurrier’s first rodeo. On the plus side they’re returning a veteran quarterback and have an NFL caliber offensive line which averages 314 lbs. (and they’re good!). Hell, me and CW could play in their backfield and pick up yards. And here’s a little factoid for you, Spurrier is 8-0 in opening games at Carolina!

So, The Hammer predicts a devastating and humiliating loss for the Tar Heels in front of a nationwide audience, AND considering this is the only game going all eyes will be on Williams-Brice Stadium this evening. It just don’t get any better than this!