A Hissy Fit For Hell

Since the midterm elections the left has been all a twitter! They're pissed that they did so poorly in the midterm elections, they're feeling rejected and now apparently they're in the second stage of grief, ANGER. Of course they have only themselves to blame. The economy is limping along like a broke-dick dog, the debt is through the roof, unemployment is at depression levels and 2.8 billion people are on food stamps (or would be if they could only get here). The world is a much MUCH more dangerous place and the US is starting to get pushed around in just about every region. I expect Venezuela to invade Florida just about any day now. Don't misunderstand, most of these events and outcomes were planned. What's got the Dem's tighty-whities in a knot is that nobody appreciates their efforts, except their brilliant and beautiful leftist looney-tune base. So in the spirit of rewarding their most loyal friends and punishing the reactionary, rightwing knuckle draggers, it's time to do some stuff.

First amnesty: Come one come all. As long as you didn't make the papers in the US don't be worrying about that child molestation thing back in El Salvador. Besides it was your cousin and anyway that was like eight years ago hombre. That's an OLD crime, can't be worried about that shit!
The President's goal is to get 15 to 20 million illegals on the fast track to citizenship and in the voting booth. The illegals strategy worked out wonderfully for California and Obama is taking it nationwide. If successful there won't be another Republican elected at the federal level for 200 years and the Constitution will be deader than Pancho Villa. The thing is just gringo bullshit anyway. Oh, have to give a shout-out to Boehner and the Chamber of Commerce. Who knew suicide could be so much fun? ¿Te gusta las manzanas?

Second: Empty Guantanamo. This was a campaign promise made by our "smartest President ever" and he's following through. Never mind that Chuck Hagel kicked up (and got kicked out) or that the Pentagon says dozens of the parolees are now fighting for ISIS (NOT Al Queda mind you, Obama destroyed them don't you know). Most of these guys are just confused kids anyway. They're good boys, just got a little mixed up and started hanging out in the wrong bazaar. They'll be ok, if we can only find a country willing to take them. But a word to the wise, don't let them near matches.

Third (and CW's favorite): Normalize relations with Cuba. And why not! We've tried that isolation thing for decades, hasn't accomplished dick. Why should we let the Europeans have all the fun with what Fidel described as "the cleanest" 15 year old prostitutes in the whole wide world. Now please, I don't want to hear about the alleged crimes of the alleged Stalinist regime with tales of firing squads, tiger cages and sweltering tropical dungeons. Who cares? That's in the past. Besides, they have the greatest healthcare system on the planet...AND IT'S FREE! Just ask Michael Moore. But I'm still a bit confused why Fidel had to have Spanish doctors save his life a few years back. Cuba's best and brightest must have been on a state sponsored holiday to Nice or something.
Oh, in the unconfirmed rumor department I hear Obama plans to release Charlie Manson soon. The reason being we've kept him locked up for 40+ years and it has accomplished nothing! If we want to affect Charlie's behavior we need to "normalize" our relationship with him and then we might actually have some leverage. Regardless, keeping him locked up hasn't worked.

Oh yeah, here's a fun fact: During the Batista dictatorship there were 11 prisons in Cuba, now there are over 300. Now there's progress for you!