Sunday, March 3, 2013

Confession Soothes the Soul

I'm not a Catholic, but I married one. I'm pro-religion but not particularly religious myself. I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ but pray everyday he has a sense of humor.
So, to borrow from the Catholic Church I shall now make a confession: I hate Americans. Yes it's true, Americans have become an insufferable pain in the ass. Not to say I necessarily like non-Americans, I don't, but Americans take the cake. Let me tell you why.

1) Americans are the worst drivers I personally have ever encountered. They either drive too slow (GET OFF YOUR ASS!) or too fast (MANIAC!). They have stupid traffic laws, which they either obey to an absurd degree or universally ignore. They either hate cars or obsess over them. They do things behind the wheel most intelligent people would not even think of, much less consider doing themselves. Things like texting, sexting, eating, and drinking. They drive drunk, high, senile and handicapped. They think it's great fun to get a BJ off some slapper on the way home from a bar where they've had 14 pints and 3 shots of Jagermeister. They strap their children in car seats like they on the Space Shuttle but then they'll throw a Kegerator in an open trunk that proceeds to fly out on I-95 in front of a semi that's carrying 40,000 cans of peaches. Most American shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a car.
2) Americans have taken complaining to a new level. We are now a country of the moaningest, groaningest, whineingest most bellyacheing bunch of malcontented snivelers in the history of sniveling.  All we do is bitch. Look, I'm always up for a good fight, and I believe there are things worth fighting over, but Americans complain about EVERYTHING. They never shut up. "I don't like the cherry McDonalds put on their milkshake". "Why can't they have a drive-thru for garden supplies?" "What, I have a co-pay?" "You have too much, I have too little." "Your tits are bigger than mine"... and on and on it goes. Listen up you dope, we were given a great gift in America. Great men gave us a system that provided a blueprint for peace and prosperity for all time, all we had to do was stick with it. Was it perfect, hell no, but what is? Our bitching and complaining and jealousy is destroying us.
3) Americans think they have all the answers. Well guess what? We don't. I too want the world to be just, and prosperous and healthy. But if Cubans want a Castro or Venezuela wants a Chavez, hell it suits me. I think most of the countries in the world are insane but that doesn't mean I want to change them. And it certainly doesn't mean I want to see Americans die or that we should empty our treasury to change them into whatever the hell we think we can change them in to. Let's try something different, let's mind our own damn business for a change. Then maybe the world will solve their own problems at their own expense. It's worth a try.

Well those are my top three, and since I'm doing this on my deck while smoking a Partagas Black Label and freezing my gonads off, I shall end this post. But I have a lot more, so stay tuned.

1 comment:

Burger King said...

Man, I hate that cherry on my milshake!

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