The Hammer's College Football Preview

That's right sports fans, The Hammer's favorite sport is back...COLLEGE FOOTBALL! God I love this time of year! Where else but America can one witness the grandeur, the spectacle and the pageantry of young women with the sex appeal (and figure) of a fencepost, cheering on semiliterate ghetto-rats, hicks and steroid junkies engaged in acts of brutality and barbarism not seen since the days of the Roman Circus? Only in America can we pay through the nose for endzone tickets to see a state school play in a state owned stadium, all funded by taxpayers mind you, and watch as fatcat boosters enjoy their 50 yard line box seats with their three year old grandchildren playing on iPads while we can't see a third of the field due to our lousy, overpriced seats. American Exceptionalism...believe it!

Ok, let's get this out of the way first. UVA is at the Rose Bowl in Baja-Mexico Saturday to play the UCLA Bruins. The Wahoos had a rough time last year with UCLA losing 28-20 at home and putting CW in such a funk he ballooned up to 210lbs. He's just recently gotten back on track (bless his Yankee heart) with (rumor has it) the help of gastric by-pass surgery at the Chris Christie Institute for Fat MoFos of Lower New Jersey (just off 95 next to the ITT Computer Institute of Trenton). But we could have a jellyroll relapse 'cause things don't look that good for UVA. Last year UCLA won their last 4 out of 5, Virginia lost their last 4 out of 5, but that's not the issue. UCLA has a dynamite freshman quarterback going up against a pretty good veteran Virginia secondary. So defensively UVA is in ok shape but the Wahoos better learn to score, that's all I got to say. Especially, ESPECIALLY when they play nationally ranked Boise State and Notre Dame later this month.
Here the deal, UVA can come out of September with a #5 ranking and the greatest month in the history of the program or be 1-3 and positioned to lose to damn near every team left on the schedule. We'll see.

Now...tonight we've got the Clinton Foundation of college sports, the North Carolina Tar Heels playing the South Carolina Gamecocks in Charlotte. As you may know Charlotte is a UNC town thru and thru, but if I could remember all the games the Heels have lost to the OTHER Carolina in the Queen City I wouldn't need all this B12. Anyway the Heels return nearly all their key players on the offensive side of the ball, however they weren't that good last year. On the other side of the ball the Tar Heels defense was so bad last year I'd say THEY WISH they didn't have seven returning starters. But Coach Fedora brought in Gene Chicik to get 'em back on track so I'm sure they'll improve.
The Cocks defense last year sucked shit but they return most of their starters, offensively...eh, but Spurrier doesn't lose openers too often.
By the way, about 20k empty seats are expected for the game. Apparently they're charging PRO prices for tickets and Charlotte ain't quite as Carolina blue as they thought. Maybe they should have made it a "LGBT" appreciation night and given the unsold seats away to Diesel Dykes, Lady Boys and Caitlin Jenner types. Take THAT you South Carolina redneck pieces of shit! I'm sure no one in Chapel Hill would complain. They could call it a "Squeal for the Heels" night.

In other games they're mostly tune-ups with the exception of TCU at Mini-soda. TCU doesn't play that well on the road and the Big Ten is feeling their oats so I wouldn't be too surprised if the Horny Frogs got upset. Texas/Notre Dame, Louisville/Auburn and Wisconsin/Ala-Goddamn-Bama all could be interesting, so keep an eye out. Plus on Monday OSU is in Blacksburg to maybe avenge their only loss last year.

Well that's it, so put your seats in the upright position and get focused damn you!