Friday, December 14, 2012

The Hammer's First Annual Cheerleader Review

As you well know I'm a big proponent of only beautiful, shapely young women being allowed the privilege of representing our colleges and universities as cheerleaders. I have nothing against homely women or skinny women, and I'm not suggesting attractive women are in any way superior apart from their obvious attributes, but I believe cheerleaders are a unique component of American culture which has no equivalent elsewhere in the world. Other sports in other countries have tried to duplicate it, even our professional sports teams have tried, but in the end it all turns into some manner of licentious jumping around before howling drunks more analogous to a strip club than a sporting event. 
And I'm sure you're aware there has been an insidious, subtle subversion of this revered institution taking place behind the scenes these last few years. This is never spoken of. There has been no public debate, no questions or investigations, in fact no acknowledgement that there is even a problem; such is the nature of the politically correct, group-think environment we live in today. Well I for one will not stand for it. I will not acquiesce to some misguided, prudish, expurgated version of the college athletic experience under the guise of "cheerleading is gymnastics therefore a sport unto itself" bulljive. No friends, I stand up for the rights of gorgeous, curvaceous young women not out of some base, lascivious desire but as a celebration of virtuous American beauty that has heretofore set the standard for the world. My task is a lonely one, and I am prepared for a shower of hateful criticism, but I feel strongly about this issue and I will not be dissuaded.

So, let's get started. First let's examine how NOT to do it. I give you first prize for the WORST cheerleaders in the country; the North Carolina State Wolfpack.

Not only is this young women unattractive and flat chested (not that unusual), but her companion is a fat, beer-gutted Sansabelt wearing lump. If I wanted to see fat bastards jumping around I can watch a Jets game. This is appallingly bad and since this is my alma mater it is especially troubling for me.
Now, as you can see, the rest of the ACC ain't much better, apart from (drum roll please)... The Clemson Tigers, who seem to get it. Some are so bad as to be offensive. In fact, I'll venture to say if Mike Nifong had arrested the Duke cheerleaders he'd be Senator today. He would certainly get my vote.

But the best conference is without doubt the Pac 12. And the best of the best are the USC Trojans.

Rest assured I will continue to stay on top of this issue.


Tom de Plume said...

Have you had the chance to check out UVa"s marching band? The band front features a couple gals more suited to the defensive line as well as a male baton twirler. To say he is flaming refers to more than the baton he is throwing

But the downfall of cheer leading began when many started referring to it as a sport. Instead of the attractive USC types filling out tight sweaters, you have the 90 pound flat chested types who used to go out for gymnastics.

Mudge said...

Hammer, I applaud your courage. Thank you for exposing yet another shameful failing of our college system today--one that needed to be said. Any chance you could expose even more of it? In an obviously random coincidence, I, who have never cared one whit about USC football, have inexplicably developed a deep and abiding interest in their sideline strategies.

Anonymous said...

Have the "good old days" left us forever? In approximately 1985, our precocious daughter attended summer school at Denver University courtesy of some Johns Hopkins program that purported to identify bright youngsters. We visited and discovered that she (and her fellow nerds) shared a dorm with the "Rocky Mountain Cheerleading School". Every day we walked past circles of cheerleaders on the green lawns earnestly studying the finer points of pom pom use while our daughter and her 13, 14, 15 year old friends were in college Latin and math classes. The nerd boys and the nerd girls were clearly divided on the merits of coexisting with cheerleaders. One day, we noticed a neat, hand-lettered sign taped to the wall of the shared elevator. "What is the cheerleader's most desperate cheer?" it said. Underneath was the response: "Give me an I, give me a Q". The point is, cheerleaders face undeserved antagonism. It's an institution that is worthy of support and protection. Vaidro

Tom de Plume said...

How ''bout them Vanderbilt cheerleaders?

"The Hammer" said...

Well Anon I think I've made it perfectly clear I don't consider cheerleaders strippers doing a sideline poll dance. I want cheerleaders to be virtuous in the Greek sense (what they do in their private lives is their bidnez). I want beautiful, shapely young women who represent college athletics in general and their school in particular, with class. I want them to be attractive, that's all. What I don't want is some 78 lbs. waif or a homely statistics major or a candidate for Jenny Craig.
Hey, call me shallow, call me a sexual prevert, call me what you want. But if the players on the field were put there with the same reasoning as cheerleaders, there'd be a lot of 150 pound nerds playing linebacker.

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