Saturday, December 27, 2014

Post-Christmas Analysis by the Hammer

Man I'm glad that's over! Look I like Christmas, I don't LOVE Christmas but I like it. This year is the first in a while when I felt like Sgt. Major was actually enjoying herself (somewhat). We've had some death and tragedy around the Holidays the past year or three that provided excitement of the kind nobody wants. But this year was different, a bit of a renaissance, and thank the Lord for it!
I honestly think it was the addition of two K-9's to the family. As you well know there are two kinds of people in this world, cat people and dog people. Sgt. Major was always a cat people. Now as for me I like cats fine as long as they're good at doing cat catching varmints. But if they just lounge around waiting on the Meow Mix shedding all over every friggin' thing then we probably ain't gonna get on that well. We had a cat like that but he was a rescue, as in I feed the guy most of his life because my scumbag neighbors from the Virginia mountains (have I ever mentioned that mountain folk ain't worth two shits on their best day?) wouldn't and when they moved they had the gall to call us FROM THE ROAD "asking" if we'd like the cat! They better be glad I didn't answer the phone that day. Anyway, we took the cat of course and looked after him until he died at the ripe old age of twelve, but I digress. One of Sgt. Major's nurse buddies had a bunch of pups (her dog you idiot) and women being women they thought the photos were oh so "CUTE" and one thing led to another, the next thing I know I'm buying Purina Puppy Chow at Wally World. The point being (if I have a point) is that women need something to nurture (in my case a role fulfilled quite adequately by my local bartender) otherwise there's an unexplainable and certainly not always apparent void. A variant on the "empty nest" thing I guess you might say. My remedy, buying a Kama Sutra manual and some AstroGlide, didn't really deal with the issue (I knew it wouldn't but hey, I'm all about problem solving, must try everything). Anyway Gus and Sophie are part of the family now and well all love it.

Did you ever hear that song Merry Christmas From the Family? Of course you have. One of the nice things about Christmas is the parties, and the shit people will VOLUNTARILY tell you! I went to a wine and nibbles at CW's sister's house and it is so refreshing to learn that other people's families are just as petty and trifling and fecked up as me own. Don't get me wrong, most of the people there were absolutely lovely, but we've all got our family and as long as there have been families there always the "Their kids are wild and I know the younger one is gay" or the "She's a bitch, no way they're REAL!" kinda shit. In my own Norman Rockwell-esque family I haven't seen my niece in 15 years as my brother's wife of 29 years left him and moved in with her high school sweetheart which lasted all of three months and since they had just one daughter whom is a chip off the old "see-you-next-Tuesday" block the -itch took the daughter in the settlement...apparently. My poor brother (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) showed me photos of his grand kids (who don't seem to even know him) of whom he is allowed to see if he drives to High Point with adequate notice so the GRAND-BITCH HO HO HO FROM HELL is not around don't you know. Oh well, Merry Christmas From the Family.

That's about it. Oh, I have to apologize to CW. I went off on his ass for not calling me when he came down to Redneck country over the Holidays. He's an inconsiderate prick and my feelings were a little hurt (I'm very sensitive) but I was a little rough on him. Sorry CW, but I got you something REAL NICE for Santa Clause, a clothes horse! I know, a bit non-traditional but hey, I think it'll grow on you.


Tubby said...

Hammer, I hope you defended me when I was being thrown under the bus by the Occupy wing of the CW family.

The Conservative Wahoo said...

Hammer, I do feel bad that we didn't get together while I was in your neck of the woods. Was a quick trip up and down, forty hours total.

"The Hammer" said...

No sweat CW. Just make sure I get an invite to your 50th. birthday party next summer. I'm really REALLY looking forward to it and don't worry about accommodations, I'm very low maintenance. A well stocked mini-bar would be appreciated but is certainly not a requirement. However, like our VP Biden, I do like a morning swim in the nude, so plan accordingly.
As for you Tub, you know I got your back. You're just a misunderstood asshole, as am I. With guys like us the world is wrong and we are right, so we have to stick together.

Happy New Year to all.

Newer Post Older Post Home