Monday, June 9, 2014

The Hammer's Copa Do Mundo Brasil Preview

Gee four years sure goes by quickly. Why it seems only yesterday we were all enjoying "the beautiful game" through the constant din of South African tribal drums accentuated by the melodious sounds of the vuvuzela. I personally would rather be stuck in an elevator with Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music blaring. By the time the competition was over I had burned through most of my recreational oxycontin and my liquor stock was well depleted. I swear I would have preferred the sound (and consequences) of a StuKa. But hey, small price to pay for the former apartheid state's coming out party and considering how effectively the robberies and rapes were suppressed by the world media, all must agree it was a resounding success.
But onward and upward, it's time for Word Cup Brazil and the best predictions this side of a coked out Maradona (or at least Madonna).
So let's get started.

Group A: Brazil, Croatia, Mexico and Cameroon
The two favorites in the group Brazil and Croatia kick things off Thursday in Sao Paulo (the Tigers must be delighted it's not them). Speaking of Cameroon, they are traditionally the best team in Sub-Saharan Africa (or Baja Detroit as Tubby Benghazi would say) but they've fallen on hard times recently. This year they've had a compensation dispute related to I presume the termite shortage in the region. But no matter, the cream of this group is Brazil with Croatia and Mexico pretty much a tossup. 

Group B: Spain, Holland, Chili and Australia
Australia? Yeah right, Australia gets a spot and half a dozen more qualified European teams don't? Well anyway they don't have a hope in hell. Chili might have one game in them but come on, Spain and Holland! Who do you think are going through?

Group C: Columbia, Greece, Ivory Coast and Japan
This is one of the groups the US wanted to be in because they all suck (we would be right at home). Most likely Columbia and Ivory Coast will come out of this one but who knows. Whatever happens none of these teams will last a farting spell in the elimination round. 

Group D: Uruguay, England, Italy and Costa Rica
Hmmmm, let me think. How 'bout England and Italy? This group is a done deal but I'm looking forward to the best of the Premier going up against the best of Serie A. The Azzurri usually start off slow and the English have a habit of not starting at all despite their great talent, so we'll see, could be boring as hell or one for the ages.

Group E: France, Suisse, Ecuador and Honduras
To begin with Switzerland and Ecuador aren't flat enough to produce a good football team so we can eliminate them. Honduras sucks at everything but cigars and bananas; therefore, I predict France and whatever team that stomps all over their own dicks the least will advance. Hey, they don't call me the Redneck Nostradamus for nothing!

Group F: Argentina, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Nigeria and Iran
This is another of those groups with one powerhouse and three dogs. Look, Argentina will win in a walk and really, who cares about the other three? They couldn't beat the Greenwich Village Amateur Ballet on poppers.

Group G: Germany, Portugal, Ghana and the USA
The group of death, at least for us Americans. The bright spot (and there ain't many) is that Ronaldo may be injured and reduce Portugal's offensive firepower a bit, but it'll be a day late and a dollar short regardless. Jurgen Klinsmann left Landon Donovan off the roster opting for an 18 year old that couldn't play on Arsenal's junior squad and has already stated in the press that we can't win (go team!), so I'm not optimistic we'll even get a point. I had thought Klinsmann would be good for American football but not now. He's just an arrogant Kraut who thinks we Americans should kiss his lily white German ass. Well just remember Point du Hoc schei├čkopf. 

Group H: Belgium, Russia, Algeria and South Korea
We get stuck with Germany and Portugal when there's a group of bums like this? Ok, the Belch have shown some life over the years and the Russians are talentless but tough. South Korea is like a lot of Far East teams in that they're disciplined and hard working but not much else. Algeria? Well unless the prize is 10 year old boys all around I can't see them being that motivated. This is without doubt the group of shit. 

There you have it, I'll be back with finals predictions so you can impress your stuck up European friends with your football knowledge. It's time for beautiful beaches filled with topless women, waves of street urchins that will cut you gizzard to gonads for your Nikes, great steaks, lots of beer and futebol! 


Mudge said...

Great 'color commentary' Hammer. I dont know a thing about world cup soccer, and I have plenty of other things I truly ought to know more about before using one brain cell on soccer, but damn I enjoy reading someone who makes it is daily mission to stick a big needle in the PC balloon.

"The Hammer" said...

Thanks Mudge, you're right, you don't know a thing about "world cup soccer". But it's ok, I was once ignorant too.
I came to be a football (soccer) Mr. Know-it-all expert while playing midfield back in college for good old TIT, the Tickbite Institute of Technology. Gosh those were the days playing with Beckenbauer, Cruyff, Best and Zoff (that's Horace Beckenbauer, Leroy Cruyff, Junior Best and Cleon Zoff). The Fighting Parasitiformes were at the top of the table for most of the year until tobacco priming season decimated our talent.
Damn we were good!

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